Everything Must Go
by TwilightofCraigslistContest
Summary: For Sale – Soon-to-be Ex-Husband's stuff – Everything Must Go   1  - Forks -


Contest: **Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)**

Title: ******Everything Must Go**  
><strong>**

Rating: **M**  
>Word Count (minus AN and header): **792**

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><p><strong>For Sale – Soon-to-be Ex-Husband's stuff – Everything Must Go $ 1 (Forks)<strong>  
>Date: 2011-10-20, 8:30PM<br>Reply to: scornedswan (at) craigslist (dot) org

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><p>I am in the process of divorcing my cheating, lying no good husband and I'm sure many of you know why. I have decided to do my spring cleaning while he is away for a Medical Conference with his tramp of an assistant. Though it is thanks to her that all these items are for sale. She just had to inform me of all his extracurricular activities with details and visually aids. Can we say jealous stalker hoe.<p>

So that is why everything must go. Everything for easily divided amounts, as the lawyer told me we would have to split everything down the middle – Oh, hell everything's a dollar. 50 cents for me and 50 cents for him.

Selling one very used leather couch – It has many miles on it but no stains as husband only used it to bend the whores over the arm of it. Don't worry your frizzy brown fro, Mrs. Sporting Goods, I won't tell your husband that you were one of those whores. My lips are closed unlike your legs.

Selling one kitchen table where he decided to use his slimy serpent skills to eat the neighborhood slut for lunch I believe. The chairs are included in price as she returned the favor with her hover skills. But don't think you were the only one missy as he also had his assistant up there too. Maybe you should start fishing elsewhere if you want special treatment.

Selling one closet full of expensive man-whore attire that sure did help him charm the pants off must of the cheap twits in this town. If only you knew, he had his mommy buy him his clothes. God forbid I gave him anything she didn't approve of.

Selling one newer model silver skankmobile Volvo, front seat has seen road head along with backseat action from the other cheating spouses in this town who didn't want their husbands to know. Yes, I'm talking about the blonde bimbo who can't get over her husband flirting with me in high school. We all know you just need his van for your side job of hookin. Oh and don't think I don't know that he also took you for a ride, Mrs. Hyperactive Pixie. Does your husband really know what that cream is for?

And yes, I have the title signed by him too. He should really start to pay attention with his other head more often.

Selling one baby grand piano I think was spared any actual intercourse only oral from one lonely red head bitch while her husband was off tracking some lost 's out saving people and she's out blowing people, just doesn't seem like a fair trade to me.

Selling one whole master bedroom set, as I can't be sure he didn't have any of the cheap skanks there as well. Even if he didn't, I want no memory of any of his piss poor attempts to at pleasing me. God, why any of you came back for repeat performances is beyond me. I must have high standards at wanting sex to last longer than a few thrust in and involving more than just his pleasure. You'd think with all the fucking he's been doing he'd have some stamina but nope five minutes is it if you're lucky. I loved the bastard but what excuse do you whores have?

As I want nothing to remind me of my sham of a marriage everything that we acquired during said marriage is for sale. I will group items for easy clearance. The music collection I bought him, big screen TV plus all electronics attached, the books I gifted him, all emo art he said we needed, the china from our wedding, and much, much more. I am also selling all jewelry he gave me minus the engagement ring.

So if you would like to look through all his high priced shit and make a killing, come to 426 Willow Rd this weekend. All prices will be one dollar except for the scavenging whores. I know who you are so prices will be higher for you as fucking owe me for not including the pic I have of you. My friends and I will have plenty of food and alcohol for all would be shoppers. All sales are final.

Oh and to his little harem, he will need a new place to stay upon his return. I will give the boxes of his before marriage items for storage to the first one to pay me. But it's gonna cost you more than a $1, bidding will start at $100. You have until the end of my sale to place your bids. If no one bids than I guess it's the curb for him.

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**Public voting begins Oct 25 and runs through Nov 6. Don't forget to check back to the contest profile page on Oct 25 to place your vote!**


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